Excel’s Hidden Dialog Box
People are still trying to find out how to display this dialog. It's gotta be there!
Microsoft Banner Ads
These are pretty old, but a few are still relevant.
Spoof ads courtesy of Valley of the Geeks
Scientists Tell Us
The average person spends:
- 9.5 years sleeping
- 4.2 years eating
- 3.8 years on the toilet
- 2.8 years traveling
and...
- 1.9 years waiting for Excel to recalculate!
Top-10 Signs That You Purchased A Bad Spreadsheet
Drum roll, please...
- A sticker on the box reads, Now Supports DOS 1.2
- It is part of a software suite called "Office Schmoffice."
- User testimonials on the box are written in Pig-Latin.
- The help file consists of three words: "Don't ask me."
- The box has an "AS SEEN ON TV" sticker.
- The Setup routine displays "Another Sucker" as the default user name.
- The user manual is scribbled on the back of an old envelope.
- The technical support phone number is 555-1212.
- The only way to get a hard copy of your work is to photograph the screen.
- When you press F9, a message box tells you to dig out your calculator.
Genie In A Lamp
A man was walking
along a beach when he found a lamp. Upon rubbing the lamp a genie appeared who
stated "I am the most powerful genie in the world. Because I am so powerful, I
can grant you any wish you want, but only one wish."
The man pulled out a map of the Mediterranean area and said "I'd like there to be peace among the people in the middle east." The genie responded, "Gee, I don't know. Those people have been fighting since the beginning of time. They are always going to be fighting. I can do just about anything, but this is beyond my limits."
The man then said, "Well, my staff is switching to Excel. I wonder if you could make them excellent VBA programmers."
Genie: "Uh, let me see that map again."
Another View Of Charting
How some people look at charts.
Famous Cells And Ranges
Some cells and ranges that you may have heard about:
| A1 | The steak sauce cell |
| IM21 | The legal drinking age cell |
| K9 | The dog cell |
| AK47 | The assault weapon cell |
| IV2 | The second intravenous solution cell |
| B9 | The malignant cell |
| HI5 | The alternate handshake cell |
| AH:HA | The discovery range |
| F16 | The fighter jet cell |
| AM:FM | The radio range |
| ET2 | The Brute' cell |
| AW42 | The root beer for two cell |
| BU:BU | The erroneous range |
| BY:BY | The farewell range |
| IC2 | The double-vision cell |
| IQ100 | The average intelligence cell |
| HO:HO | The Santa Claus range |
| GO2 | The destination cell |
| FU2 | The same to you cell |
| EX2 | The second former spouse cell |
| CU8 | The oil-rich country cell |
| BU10 | The shirt fastener cell |
| BC49:BD1 | The '96 Presidential Election results range |
| AG1:GB1 | The '00 disputed Florida vote range |
| T42 | The old soft-shoe cell |
| U2 | The Irish rock group cell |
| BI123 | The Lotus marketing slogan cell |
| C4 | The explosive cell |
| V8 | The vegetable juice cell |
| R2:D2 | The android range |
| I1:U1 | The tied game cell |
| AP:ES | The Simian range |
| H8:U2 | The ex-wife range |
| IN2:CA9 | The dog-lover range |
| AC:DC | The electric range |
| D84:U2 | The double date range |
| I12:CU2 | The "when can we meet" cell |
Test Your Knowledge Of Excel Pivot Tables
The Questions...
- When creating a pivot table, you must always keep one foot on the floor. Why?
- True of False: Valujet uses pivot tables to store navigational information.
- How does the Pope create pivot tables?
- True or False: The PGA use pivot tables.
- Before the computer, what were pivot tables called?
- Rosie The Pivoter is best known for what advice?
The Answers...
- Much like the NBA, Microsoft considers lifting your pivot foot a traveling violation.
- Very true, but they are renown for creating spectacular scatter charts.
- He uses holy macros.
- False, they use divot tables.
- Oak tables.
-
Shakespeare’s Favorite Formula
Literary trivia: Shakespeare was working on an Excel spreadsheet and created a formula that inspired one of his most famous lines.
Spreadsheet Riddles
Just a few riddles about spreadsheets. Some are so old that they don't even make sense any more.
Q. What's
the difference between Quattro Pro and a 2400-baud modem?
A. At this time next year, people will still be using 2400-baud modems.
Q. Why did Microsoft develop Access?
A. To make Excel seem faster.
Q. How do you identify an extroverted spreadsheet user?
A. He looks at your shoes when he talks to you.
Q. Why do people keep a copy of 1-2-3 for DOS on their car's dashboard?
A. So they can park in the handicapped parking spaces.
Q. Why did the fellow bury his copy of Quattro Pro for DOS 50 feet in the
ground?
A. Because deep down, it's really a good product.
Q. What do spreadsheet developers use for birth control?
A. Their personalities.
Q. What does MACRO stand for?
A. Messy And Confusing Repeated Operation.
Q. Did you hear that former V.P. Dan Quayle is taking a new job as Corel's
spreadsheet product manager?
A. His first job is to change the product name: Quattroe Proe.
Q. What's the name of the new skin care product that Procter & Gamble has
developed for MS Office VBA developers?
A. Oil of OLE.
Q. How many Excel Tech Support technicians does it take to change a
light bulb?
A. One - But only if "light bulbs" can be found in the Microsoft
Knowledge Base.
Q. Why didn't Microsoft implement multithreading in Excel 97?
A. The designers decided that one bug at a time was enough for most
users.
Q. Why were spreadsheets invented?
A. In order to make word processors appear to be bug-free in comparison.
Q. What is the most frequent question asked by a would-be spreadsheet
consultant?
A. "Would you like fries with that?"
Spreadsheet Jokes
Your browser is now pointed to the world's largest collection of spreadsheet humor on the Web. It's also pointed to the only collection of spreadsheet humor on the Web.
Cellular Humor
Heard a Good One?
In the unlikely event that you've heard a spreadsheet joke, please submit it so I can share it with the world. All jokes that are moderately humorous will be accepted. And the good news: You will remain anonymous.